We want to get our finances under control so we can say that we live & love well!
This statement was made by Elizabeth Lesser, on Oprah's SuperSoul Sunday. This statement really rings true to my heart because to truly understand it is the purpose of life itself. I haven't had anyone truly close to me pass away at this point in my life.
All my grandparents died when I was 12 yrs old or younger so I wasn't old enough to feel the full affects of grief. However, a couple years ago my husband's grandmother passed away and I felt like I had a special bond. She was always so kind to me even if she was in a bad mood & being rude to the rest of her family. She was not a woman to hold back her comments. We would go to family dinners often with my husband's grandmother always there ready to give someone a piece of her mind if she wanted to. However, with me, she was always kind and gentle and quick to defend me. I'm not sure why she took such a liking to me, but of course, I loved her right back. I understood the personality of being so rough outside but yet a softy to some. My family had a similar background. Therefore, when she passed, it was the first time I didn't just feel sad at a funeral. I weeped and cried not fully understanding where the emotion was coming from.
This was a woman I loved well. I only knew her a few years before her passing but I loved her well and therefore greived her loss. I knew we would never have those talks again or jokes between us or her defending me in front of my husband who was making a joke about me. She was the grandmother I never got to know growing up. But she left a lasting impression on my life and my daughter will carry her name on. So when I think about all the changes I'm making in my life right now, it is for the future expectation that I will be able to love well and be loved well. Whiling I was grieving for my husband's grandmother, I felt the love and closeness to her.
When I think about the purpose of trying to get my finances under control, it has nothing with money itself. It's about feeling and sharing the love that I had for my husband's grandmother when she passed. With all the debt looming over my head, I feel myself holding back with giving time and money with family & friends. I've come to realize that this debt and living beyond our means has created such a fear in me of everything crashing down around me that I'm not able to fully love and give love because of this fear. I'm not being true to myself about my financial situation so it's creating an invisible wall where I don't let those closest to me see this fear. I worry that if friends and family truly saw the debt and instability that my family currently has, they would be hugely disappointed or at the very least lose respect for me. Without having my debt under control, I'm being a total hypocrite of my belief system compared to how I live.
All of this prevents me from being my best self. I need to get back on track with what I value in life and then my walls will come down and I can share my life and experiences with others. When someone passes, it's the feelings for that person that need to be remembered and cherished. I don't look forward to grief of losing a loved one, but that is a genuine feeling in the universe that represents the good in life as well. We might feel like we lost someone too soon or for the wrong reasons. However, the feelings of a loss are so true to our core of a soul that it represents so much positive in the midst of a dark time. We want to remember others for being true to themselves and the memories they left us. We want others to remember us for all those memories we made and being true to ourselves.
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