Well, it's been quite some time since I've written on here. I cannot even begin to explain everything that has happened in the last roughly 6 years since I've written any thoughts out. Let's start with I have gotten a divorce, I live in Ohio, my 3 precious kids live with their Dad in Pennsylvania and I have a new found appreciation for any person that has gone through a divorce. I have found a deeper faith in God and pray more than ever. I have lost my Father-in-Law who I loved dearly but I was honored by doing his eulogy at his funeral. I have been fortunate to travel to Canada, Italy, and various states across the United States. My kids and I have a dog named Jaxon who is about 1.5 years old. He's 103 lbs and the most lovable dog ever but enormous!!!!
Today is December 29, 2018 and the year is coming to an end. I don't want to go into the details of everything that has happened in the last 6 years, but I do want to reflect in the coming week of everything I have accomplished and experienced in the last year. I just got back from PA where I spent a couple days with my siblings & their families, along with my kids. I returned back to Ohio alone with just Jaxon and this is something I continue to try to adjust to. I love my kids dearly and after a 2 year custody battle with their father and spending more money than I even realized I could, I don't get to live with them right now. This has been the hardest struggle of my life to date. I've been through quite a bit and I know I'm a strong woman. However, being told by a court judge that I'm a phenomenal Mom and I'm the reason my kids are so well-adjusted but they aren't allowed to live with me because I crossed state lines has been a decision I take day by day to digest and process. I won't go into too much detail for that either right now because I really want to reflect on my current feelings and the impending New Year that is about to approach.....2019!!!
I never thought I would be living without my children. I never thought I'd be living in Dublin, OH. I never thought I'd get a divorce. From 2016 through 2018, I have been surprised more than any other time in my life. I have always been positive and follow many successful/spiritual leaders to keep me motivated with life, family and career. I had a strong network of these people from the outside and after the last two years, I would say that I still do. However, it has changed and while some of my reliable friends were completely unexpected, I also was blessed and surprised with new people that have come into my life as well.
In 2019 I really hope to find comfort in my life again. I see how strong I am and I will never question my strength again with how bad the storm was in the last 2 years. However, I do believe there was some necessary events that needed to occur and are the reasons I am where I am today. As I come through that storm trying to make sense of some of the unreasonable attacks, the pain and the fear that I would never have imagined, I am hoping to start seeing the person I always wanted to be. I am hoping that I will no longer hide my feelings and fears of what I was embarrassed and ashamed of from childhood that carried on through my marriage. The anger, abuse, shame, and poor communication were the foundation of my childhood and marriage that I never want to enter into my life again. I may see all of these traits again but I am working hard through my faith to react to them in a much different way that I have up until 2016.
So I end 2018 looking at all the different activities my children and I have shared, the memories we've made in both Pennsylvania and Ohio, the bonds that have grown among my siblings and their families, and the hopes and dreams that we plan to continue in the coming years. I have rebuilt some communication among my family members, I have met some amazing new friends in Ohio, and I have leaned on friends that I've always had that I didn't realize were so willing to allow me to lean on them. I am looking at all the grateful blessings that I've witnessed in the last 2 years. I have enduring pain and unexpected hardships, however, that is part of everyone's story. It has been 2 years of coming an awakening that I didn't even realize I was not aware of. I feel like a more honest, sincere and transparent person than I've ever been in my life. I hope to work towards keeping this as authentic and real in my daily life as God will allow me. As many people struggle with weaknesses such as addictions, financial struggles, anger, self-esteem and so many other problems, my biggest struggle will be to continue to be honest, authentic and humble with my own life's struggles and successes.
So this post relates to accepting that sometimes life is about being uncomfortable in your current situation and knowing that it is part of learning how to accept and grow with recent or new decisions that are being made. My last two years are the hardest years of my life to date but I would have said that when I was 12 years old and dealing with life or death because my ulcerative colitis was so severe. Then I would have expressed the pain that I faced when I learned of some family secrets right before going off to Ireland in college and that lead to years of being ashamed of the family I grew up in. It would take me 20 years before I confronted these secrets and how they have impacted my own life decisions. All of these times in my life were uncomfortable, painful and sad. However, I dealt with all those situations because I realized I didn't have a choice and at some point had to put all my trust into God to get me through them. It has taken me 2 years now, but ending 2018 I have realized that I am once again at a point where all my faith, hope and trust must fall to God to pull me through this final stretch of a divorce, move and loss of custody of my kids. God is grace and mercy and will always pull me through as he always has in the past. However, that doesn't always stop the pain or the uncomfortable knowing that I didn't expect this to happen in my life. I have no choice but to face these challenges so that I am able to come out the other end with a new found understanding and hope. However, my new focus is no longer just my own survival but showing my 3 kids how faith really does move mountains and can create miracles in an instant if it's God's will and we trust him completely.
I will write more about what new habits I've created to continue this new awareness and find ways to help those around me in the process. One of the biggest lessons for me has been that through my own struggles and depending on others, I've still be able to help others. Many people have expressed how much they have learned from me or how I've been able to help them. I am very grateful for these struggles if they have allowed me to be more compassionate but also help people who I would not have otherwise been able to reach. It has been a very difficult two years with so many mixed emotions that I could not appropriately summarize them in this post. So I will end this summary here and give myself the opportunity to gather my thoughts for my next post and attempt to go a little deeper into goals, resolutions and reflections in these final days of 2018. Embrace the discomfort and lean into the storm with courage and bravery.
